Unicorn Being a Jerk Read online

  Unicorn Being a Jerk

  by

  C.W. Moss

  This book is dedicated to the always incredible Mr. Steiny, the inspiringly dark Mr. Tanis, the other unicorn—Mr. Graham, the overflowing-ly joyous Kate, and the best troublemakers around, my parents.

  Contents

  Begin Reading

  Acknowledgments

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Hating an illustrated book.

  Ignoring a homeless person asking for money.

  Destroying a sandcastle.

  Trying to peek at a breast-feeding woman’s nipple.

  Bringing a guitar to a party.

  Burning ants with a magnifying glass.

  Cutting in line.

  Tearing out the last page of a library book.

  Peeing in the pool.

  Putting a kitten in the microwave.

  Raping America and its citizens for personal fiscal gain by creating fake market wealth in the stock exchange, real estate market, and currency trade—then expecting the people of America to bail him out.

  Teepeeing someone’s home.

  Judging his daughter’s boyfriend.

  Pushing the close button.

  Clubbing baby seals.

  Walking his child on a leash.

  Fiddling with his cell phone while on a date.

  Hoping his son isn’t gay.

  Teasing animals at the zoo.

  Parking in the last empty handicap spot.

  Being a bully.

  Photocopying his rear end.

  Abusing his wife.

  Tagging the side of the building.

  Writing a Wikipedia® page about himself.

  Talking about fashion in a sports bar.

  Pushing his religion on others.

  Writing in wet cement.

  Being a stalker.

  Feeding pigs bacon.

  Being a pedophile.

  Reading his daughter’s diary.

  Hanging photos only of himself.

  Making potholes.

  Making fake treasure maps that lead to his torture chamber.

  Freeing doves underneath a helicopter.

  Wearing a t-shirt with himself on it.

  Pointing out the illegal immigrants to the cops.

  Making a Rube Goldberg machine to tickle the elderly.

  Agreeing with one political party completely and blindly.

  Upstaging the bride at her own wedding.

  Stealing all the change from a fountain.

  Paying with all change.

  Getting into a fight at his son’s little league game.

  Still giving blood even though he has AIDS.

  Supergluing his pubic hairs to the floor.

  Pretending to understand abstract art.

  Smoking in the car with a pregnant woman.

  Buying plants to watch them die.

  Painting his horn white to avoid the gay crowd.

  Ignoring the “10 items or less” sign.

  Letting a baby play in a plastic bag.

  Putting his wiener on the water fountain.

  Eye-raping you.

  The end.

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you, Kate Hamill. Also, thank you: George, John, Tiimo, Paul, Josh, Sam, Ashley, Lindsey, Nicole, Jeff, Pat, Adam, Daniel, and Nathan.

  Credits

  Cover design and illustration by C. W. Moss

  Copyright

  UNICORN BEING A JERK. Copyright © 2011 by C.W. Moss. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  FIRST EDITION

  Edited by Jennifer Schulkind

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  ISBN 978-0-06-207021-0

  11 12 13 14 15

  EPub Edition © NOVEMBER 2011 ISBN: 978-0-06-209900-6

  About the Publisher

  Australia

  HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.

  Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street

  Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia

  http://www.harpercollins.com.au/ebooks

  Canada

  HarperCollins Canada

  2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor

  Toronto, ON, M4W, 1A8, Canada

  http://www.harpercollins.ca

  New Zealand

  HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited

  P.O. Box 1

  Auckland, New Zealand

  http://www.harpercollins.co.nz

  United Kingdom

  HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

  77-85 Fulham Palace Road

  London, W6 8JB, UK

  http://www.harpercollins.co.uk

  United States

  HarperCollins Publishers Inc.

  10 East 53rd Street

  New York, NY 10022

  http://www.harpercollins.com

 

 

  C. W. Moss, Unicorn Being a Jerk

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